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personal uni

i’m scared of graduating

It’s really hard to get my head round the fact that I’ve nearly finished my degree. I have three weeks left of lectures, 10 weeks left of my degree, and about 11 left on my student house tenancy. Or, to count it down in another way, 8000 words left of assignments til I’m free. My dissertation has been handed in, through a wildly underwhelming online submission, and I only have two tutorials left with the tutor group I’ve met with regularly for my whole three years.

Even though I have a job offer lined up, the prospect of life after graduation is terrifying. I have no idea where I’m going to be living, or who with, or frankly how the rest of my life is going to go. Up until now, I’ve always known roughly what I would be doing – school, then college, then university. It was all nicely mapped out, and I knew that if I just put in the work then the conveyor belt of the education system would take me through to adulthood with good grades and ready to be unleashed onto the scary world of adulthood. But now I’m here, I don’t have a clue what to do next. I don’t know what career I want – I’ve gone through at least three dream job phases in the last six months – and I’m apprehensive at the idea of having to build a life in a new place – how do you even make friends as an adult?! I don’t really know where I want to live, and despite living in a privately rented house for the last two years, somehow the thought of moving out still feels terrifying.

I don’t want to live at home though – as much as I love my family, I also love my independence. So I’m on the cusp of something scary – all I want to do right now is pause time and stay where I am. I’ve loved university, and I’m not ready to stop learning, be wholly responsible for myself and for all my friends to go our separate ways. Unfortunately, the only way to manage it is to go straight through it – there’s really no way around the fear, so I’m trying my best to just embrace it and get excited by all the possibilities, rather than intimidated by them. Ultimately, fear and anxiety and anticipation and excitement are all part of the tapestry of emotions that make life worth living – I just have to make the choice to embrace the technicolour world of a life where my next 20 years aren’t mapped out and instead leave space for spontaneity, recklessness, and all the emotions you can imagine.

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